Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
