Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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