I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
