I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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