did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
