Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
