My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I FOUND THE LEGS
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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