i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
