actually, I'm a sock model
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
