I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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