my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
