so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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