So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
