I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
