I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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