i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
