i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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