If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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