hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
