Betty ford says i'm here all night
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
