she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Randomize
