Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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