Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize