I'm sorry my penis didn't work
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
