So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
They have beer where we have blood.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
