Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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