ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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