Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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