you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
