i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
