I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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