chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
