My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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