so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
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