2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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