dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize