Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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