I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
