I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
