i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
