My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize