Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
