He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize