The maid of honor just puked.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
