Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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