Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
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