You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
