my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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