NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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