For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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