you guys were way drunker than both of me
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
