never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
