youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize